So last we left Heidi and Spencer they had reached an unhappy stalemate over the kids issue. The next episode starts with Heidi making a visit to her therapist, who welcomes her, and asks what brings her back to therapy.
Heidi says “Well, I want to have kids sooner rather than later, and Spencer now is telling me that he doesn’t want kids.”
Therapist “At all?”
Heidi – “Like, ever. But I think he wants kids. He just doesn’t know he wants kids yet.” (The therapist frowns at this). “If you ask any 25 year old man if he wants kids he’s gonna say no.”
Therapist – “No.”
Heidi – “No?”
Therapist – “There are definitely some men who are family minded. So it’s really, really important that before you get married, you’re pretty much on the same page about a lot of things …”
Heidi cuts in – “Well, we’re married. So we’re here.”
Therapist -“OK, OK. So we’re here. I would wait on this baby thing. I would seriously wait.”
Heidi – “But what if I, like, went off the pill and surprised him? And then he would be faced with me having a kid, and maybe he’d get really excited …”
Therapist – “I don’t know. I can’t speak for him, I don’t have him here. But he might feel like you did this to trick him. The decision has to be a rational decision, not a hormonal or an emotional decision. They’re two different things …”
Heidi frowns and looks despondent. What she’s hearing is not what she wants to hear. But the therapist’s advice is the voice of reason, and the real world input that she badly needs. It’s true that she and Spencer should have discussed the child issue in more depth before marrying, but the advice to wait, and think through the pros and cons of the decision with some sort of emotional detachment, is sound.
One of the interesting points to come out of this discussion is Heidi’s thoughts of “surprising” Spencer … also famously known as “but he’ll love it when it’s here!” If this were true, then there would be far fewer single mothers in the world. Spencer has already made it clear that he’s not interested in being a parent, and the therapist is absolutely right – he might just as easily feel trapped and deceived as “really excited”. What Heidi is proposing is a gross breach of trust – to the point where the relationship might not survive. It’s a very risky strategy to pursue.
Heidi goes off to meet Audrina for lunch. The two of them chat briefly about Audrina’s ex-boyfriend, and then Heidi rolls her eyes dramatically and tells Audrina, “so I was at my house the other day, and my sweet little Enzo let it slip that Spencer went to the doctor to get a vasectomy, or whatever it’s called.”
Audrina is startled. “Oh my God. That’s like a slap in the face to you, kind of. That he doesn’t ever want to have kids with you.”
Heidi – “Completely. Like ever. Thinking he never wants to have kids with me, not just not now.”
Audrina – “But you can’t go back and change it …” ( I guess she’s referring to the vasectomy here)
Heidi – “No.”
Audrina – “No, it’s done. That’s it. I mean, do you want to plan it? Do you want to plan it out, or do you just …”
Heidi smiles triumphantly and says “Here’s MY plan. My plan is to maybe stop taking my birth control …” (Audrina looks stunned) “and have a surprise plan! I think Spencer doesn’t know how much he wants a family …”
Audrina is shaking her head, not quite sure what to think.
“I think we need a family, and I’ll make the call.”
Audrina covers her face. “Oh my God!” She starts giggling as Heidi continues on, laying out her seduction and baby making plans for Spencer. “Heidi …”
Heidi is still smiling “I always get what I want, you know?”
This exchange leaves me seething, for a number of reasons. Why does Heidi feel that Spencer not wanting to have kids with her is an insult? It may well be that he feels his life is complete with her, and they can happily make a family of two in which they are the sole focus of each other’s lives. His reasons for not wanting children may be very sound, and for Heidi to assume that his not wanting to “make babies” is some sort of ego issue, or a calculated slight, is way off base. People have many reasons for not wanting to raise children, and few of them have anything to do with how attractive they find their partner.
Morever, Heidi is still deaf to all Spencer’s protests on the kids issue. She still believes that because she wants a child, Spencer must want the same thing – and if he doesn’t, he must be persuaded to see the “error of his ways”, something she feels she is entitled to do for him. She doesn’t realise that she’s making an irreversible and life changing decision, and she’s doing it purely for her own immature and selfish reasons. This is not a question of the latest bag or a new car – it’s one of the few permanent things in a throw-away world, and for Heidi to pursue it as a point of pride, and against advice, is scary indeed.
Finally, if you were Audrina, what would you do? Knowing Heidi’s plan, knowing Spencer’s objections, would you stay silent, or would you look for an opportunity to warn him? Personally, I’d have issues with keeping silent if this information came into my hands … and I’m sure that for a number of the forum readers, this is an uncomfortably familiar situation. What did you do, or what would you do, if this had been you sitting across the table?
So the episode ends with Spencer coming home to candlelight, a home cooked dinner, and an open bottle of wine. He’s suspicious. He has every right to be, so he asks Heidi what’s going on. She assures him that she’s just feeling good – she’s happy being married, she’s settling into their new home, and she just wants to go back to spending time with him.
Spencer – “well, thank you for obviously forgiving me for going to the doctor without telling you, and getting over it and making me a beautiful dinner.”
Heidi – “I really feel like I was putting too much pressure on you, and you know it’s my fault, so I think it would be great if we just move on from here and start fresh. I’ll take off the pressure and we’re even.”
Spencer – “Deal. So, what’s for dessert?”
Heidi gives him a sly smile and says “Oh, get ready for dessert. The best part of the meal, always …”
Shock horror! Can she be meaning to go through with her seduction plans and her little “surprise”? Will Spencer fall for it hook, line and sinker? What dastardly plot is Heidi brewing up? Guess we’ll have to stay tuned for Installment 4!!