Nope me niether

Just empathising.


Abby. you cant live your life in limbo. Life is about choices. You weigh the pros and the cons and make a decision. This is just another one of those choice and you need to make it.

I'm a great Uncle and may even be a pretty good Dad. But, I can also change oil and adjust my brakes, but I am far from a car mechanic...it just doesn't hold my interest that much to go further. Poor analogy, yes. But, do you get the point?

That's not a poor analogy at all.

Perfect! Describes my husband to a T. He's good with kids, he even genuinely enjoys spending SOME time with the friend's kids. But, just because he's good at it once in a while, doesn't mean he's willing to jump into the lifelong commitment of children.

Also, maybe you think he'd be a good Dad because that's what you want him to be? Just because a man or woman is 'good with kids' doesn't necessarily mean they'd make a good parent. I can be good with kids - BUT I also need a lot of structure in my life and fully realize that children = chaos and I DO NOT want them around 24/7.

For me, the "limbo' always seems to be because I haven't fully formed and commited to a path.

My husband never wanted children either. We dated/lived together a total of 8 years before getting engaged because I wanted to make sure that the decision was mine and I did not want to resent him later on in life.

The older I get, the happier I am with the choice I made. It was right for me, and for us.

I think you might find peace once you come to a fully realized decision. Whichever way you fall, remember to be true to yourself. Your bf is not responsible for your happiness, you are.

I'm not sure I agree that you should think about things logically. Just because you only want kids emotionally, viscerally, doesn't make the desire any less "real" than if you had a long list of reasons you wanted them. I say you ask yourself this: if you don't have children, if you watched your friends and family have children, would you regret it? Would that regret grow and grow, to the point that you resent your "perfect guy". This is only my opinion, but I don't think anyone on either side of the fence (either CF or parents-in-waiting) should have to give up their wishes on so important a matter. It can't be good for the future of the relationship, or the future of the child, in the case that it's the CFer who changes his mind.

I just have hard time knowing where the line should be drawn about "desire" and "wanting." We can't all have what we want. We just can't. A person may want to be a supermodel or a movie star with every ounce of their being, but that doesn't mean they're going to get that. Is every female on this planet "entitled" to have a child because she "wants" one? When you get married, you make a vow to stay with this person through sickness and health, and the fact that they don't want a child and you do, is that enough reason to violate that vow? What if they were infertile? Morally I don't know if I could do that to someone because of my wants. At a certain point I have to ask myself if this one thing going to destroy the rest of my life, and it's not an actual need...my immediate needs are being met and this is just a fantasy, of which I have many in life, maybe it's better to just move on and find other passions to devote myself to.

In this case, though, there are no vows; luckily, the OP is trying to come to this decision before she puts herself in the dilemma of "kids or divorce". As that's the case, it seems both natural and right that she should seriously consider whether this particular relationship is worth giving up an entire path of life.

Hmmm...well, if I were you I'd probably leave him. But then I'm not much of a romantic and value my lifestyle choices over SO's I've had. I'm pretty bullheaded...which might be why I'm single. I'm strongly CF, and I couldn't be with someone who wasn't CF as well. I've done that in the past and found that I couldn't handle the differences. Some people adapt for their SO though, so if you think you're able to do that and you think he's worth it...then by all means go for it. But if you don't think you can then it's probably time you ended it. And as much as you say that he's "the one"...this might be my romantic skepticism...but...there's just no such thing. People fall in love, and when you're in love with someone they feel like "the one." But then people break up, go through heartache, get over it, and fall in love again. Maybe not in the same way every time...since every person is different...and maybe not right away or often. But people do tend to fall in love multiple times throughout a lifetime if they give themselves the option to.

Of course...I'm a devout serial monogamist so your values and perceptions of love might be different from mine. The way I am, I always see the future with the possibility of meeting someone else. So even when I'm in love with one person, if we hit that point where core wants and beliefs differ, I prefer to end it and try to see if there's someone better for me out there. Which might end up with me being alone in the end because of the way I am. Which for some reason doesn't bother me. Yeah...definitely not a romantic.

Anyway, good luck on making the right choice, whatever that is!

oh! Sorry. I lost track of the original post, and agree that if you're not married, then yeah, good thing to figure this out first. And even if you are married, I was kind of sounding self-righteous. It's a tough situation, and I understand that it's natural that people would want to pursue their goals and ambitions, and if their marriage is a complete impediment to that, well, it might be worth leaving the marriage. I just wish other options for women were more acceptable in our culture, without all the judgement if someone decides to put other priorities before motherhood.