To Me, Being Childfree Means… I can fully enjoy my marriage

Written by LoveChildfree Tuesday, 07 July 2009 08:01

I love my husband. A lot. Shortly after we met, and before we were romantically involved, we became best friends. I had never before met anyone like him, and I knew right away that I needed to hang onto him for the rest of my life, even if just as a friend. I feel fortunate that the friendship grew into more, into the most important relationship in my life.

Long before we knew each other, neither of us ever wanted to have children. Now that we have been married for ten years and I see what a rich and full marriage we have, I cannot imagine changing my mind about children. Our relationship is extremely important to me, and I would never want to do anything to jeopardize it.

I know plenty of people with children who have good marriages, and I don’t believe someone’s marriage is over once children arrive. However, I have never seen evidence (either anecdotal evidence from my own life experiences or evidence from reputable researchers) that children change someone’s marriage for the better. Indeed, a July 2008 article in Newsweek (http://www.newsweek.com/id/143792/page/1) references research done by Daniel Gilbert, a Harvard professor of psychology, who found that “marital satisfaction decreases dramatically after the birth of the first child—and increases only when the last child has left home.” I hear so few people in our culture who are willing to admit this in public, and I wonder how many people are prepared for such a change. In a 2007 article in The Times, an anonymous woman who wanted to be a mother described how she unexpectedly fell out of love with her husband immediately after the birth of their child (http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/families/article2044495.ece). The child became the center of her universe, and the marriage “made in heaven” was no more.

Closer to home, I have observed the consequences that children have had on the marriages of friends and family. In the worst cases, I have known people who had children in hopes of stabilizing their marriage. Years later, it only made the divorce more painful for everyone involved. In more typical cases, I watch sadly as mothers roll their eyes and sigh over fathers who don’t do their part in raising the kids. In the best cases, I see happy families, but the parents are almost never together. The children usually sit between them; the parents are constantly moving in two different directions after the children. I snicker a little when these folks talk about having “date night” (if they are even able to set aside a night to spend time together.)  Virtually every night is “date night” for my husband and me!

The marriages of my childed friends are such a contrast to my marriage. My husband and I have our own interests and hobbies; we are definitely individuals. But we also greatly enjoy each other’s company. Each evening, it is our pleasure to prepare and eat a nice dinner together, discuss what happened at work or explain an interesting story that we heard on the news. After dinner, we might each go about our business or we might watch TV together, but all the while, we are simply happy to be near each other. We love to travel together. We love to run errands together. We love to go out together. Even the most unpleasant things (like a trip to the Department of Motor Vehicles!) are palatable when we are together.

A childfree life allows us to continue spending this time together. It allows us to give each other our undivided attention and affection. This keeps our marriage strong, and I would not have our life any other way.

 

 

What does being childfree mean to you?  Let us know in The Childfree Life forums!

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