Babies and "The Hills" - Part 2

Written by Pikasam Tuesday, 01 December 2009 23:25

So it seems that Heidi and Spencer have reached an uneasy impasse over the baby issue. Cut to Spencer, walking in the door of a Beverly Hills urologist with a friend in tow. He’s ushered in to the consulting room, where the doctor walks in and asks how he can help.

Spencer – “Well, we just got married, and my wife is in crazy baby mode. I want to make sure that baby can’t happen. I heard it was like a faucet – you can turn it off and turn it back on if I ever needed to – so -I’m here to turn it off.”

The doctor frowns and says “well, I think the important thing is to think about not only what’s going on right now, but maybe 5, 10, 15 years in the future, since we really consider it a permanent means of sterilisation.”

Spencer – “Oh?”

Doctor – “The procedure to undo it doesn’t always work ...”

Spencer – “You really threw me off on the permanent ...”

Doctor – “Let me tell you a little bit about the procedure ...” He proceeds to whip out a diagram and explain in detail what the procedure involves. What it involves for Spencer is turning three shades of green, and curling up in the fetal position. As he walks out, he says to his friend “They showed me photos ... actually, I almost threw up. It’s permanent, you’re right ... let’s get out of here.” They leave the office with Spencer mumbling under his breath “permanent ... knife you up, tie things with ropes ...this is like a torture place.”

I’m on the couch laughing heartily, although it’s not really a laughing matter. It’s a sad fact that there is a real hangup, to put it politely, with ‘men and their jewels’. Poor Spencer isn’t alone - it’s probably safe to say that the majority of men have real issues with the idea of sharp objects close to ‘the boys’. However, this was a good exchange for a number of reasons.

One, the doctor was correct to point out that a vasectomy is a surgical procedure, and is designed to be permanent. The reversal option is not guaranteed, and the longer the time span between the operation and the reversal, the lower the chance of success. There’s still a misconception that both vasectomy (for men) and tubal ligation (for women) are reversible on a whim – the reality is that the operations are expensive, invasive, almost universally excluded from healthcare coverage, and have very low success rates.

Two, at this stage all Spencer really wants is to ensure some breathing space for himself, and exercise some control over his reproductive choices. That’s perfectly reasonable, especially in light of the situation he’s found himself in. But what he’s facing now is a lack of options – if a vasectomy is out, then what choices does he have left? I’m guessing condoms aren’t going to be an option ... nor is abstinence. Which leaves him basically stuck. There are ‘male pill’ options in the works, but they’re at least a few years away. So, this isn’t looking good...

Later in the day, Spencer is playing video games in the house with his friend, and Enzo, the neighbour’s child.

Spencer – “I still haven’t told Heidi I went to the doctor.”

Friend – “If you’re not gonna do it, I guess you don’t have to say anything.”

Enzo – “Spencer, you went to the doctor? Are you sick?”

Spencer – “I was sick, yes.”

At this point, Heidi arrives home, and Enzo runs to her, saying “Spencer went to the doctor!”

(D’oh! How many times has someone here been “outed” by a casual conversation repeated by a child?)

Heidi might be blonde, but she’s not that stupid, and she’s instantly suspicious. “What kind of doctor? Why are you going to a doctor behind my back? “ Spencer braces for trouble, and his friend, sensing impending disaster, scoops Enzo up and takes him outside to play.

Heidi perches on the couch and says in a dangerous voice “So, would you like to tell me what my husband was up to behind my back?”

Spencer knows there’s no way out of this one, so he fesses up. “I was going to the doctor ... because I heard that you can do a seven minute procedure that can make it so I don’t have babies. I thought it was reversible, so once I found out it wasn’t, I left ...”

Heidi is predictably thunderstruck. “So you would have done it right then if you thought it was reversible? And you’d have come home and told me hey honey, I snipped my balls off? (Um, drama much???) I never lie to you!”

Spencer – “I didn’t lie!”

Heidi – “By not telling me, you’re lying to me!”

Spencer – “How’s that? Lying is if somebody asks you something ...”

Heidi – “No, NO! Not telling your wife something that’s life changing and that important ... is lying!”

She’s angry, really angry. As the finale, the guilt card is thrown on the table. “You knew I wanted kids when you married me. So it sounds like marrying me was the biggest mistake you ever made.” Cue dramatic exit, stage left.

Boy oh boy. The war drums are banging, that’s for sure. What’s the reality behind the reality here?

For one, what sort of misinformation is out there, that Spencer thought there was a ‘seven minute procedure’? That so little is understood about vasectomy, or birth control in general, in this age group is alarming. This is supposedly the information age, where the internet can deliver the truth to our fingertips in seconds – yet the old playground myths still persist. I almost wish for Spencer’s sake that his procedure was a reality – and I’m sure a lot of guys in his position wish the same – but a myth like this is unfortunate, to say the least.

Two, is it ethical that Spencer would go behind Heidi’s back in seeking a vasectomy? Relationships are supposed to be based on trust, and it’s becoming apparent that trust between these two is in short supply right now. Many people would consider that Heidi’s ‘oops’ threat would completely justify Spencer’s actions – if it’s OK for her to pursue her agenda at his expense, should he not be allowed to do the same? Why is it acceptable for her to make a life changing decision for him against his express wishes? Or is it be short sighted and selfish of him to deny Heidi something he knows she wants, and that he might well feel differently about in the future? Good questions indeed.

Three, the guilt card is a tough one. If Spencer was aware of Heidi’s feelings on children before they were married, and chose to ignore them, then he probably deserves to have it thrown in his face. This is why it’s SO important in relationships to discuss the issues, and to be honest about doing so. Too often we hear of people who married their partner, thinking that they’d ‘change their mind’ or ‘feel differently when they grow up’ on the kids issue, and are shocked and disappointed (and facing a painful breakup) when it doesn’t happen.

When it comes to kids, as Dr Phil says, it takes two people to make a child – but only one to say no. Kids are a lifelong, life changing, and very expensive undertaking, and not something that should be entered in to lightly. I’m feeling for Spencer right now. He’s doing the right thing in taking control, expressing his reservations, and standing up for his rights. But I have a feeling this is about to get very messy indeed.

So, what will Heidi do now? Stay tuned to find out ...